Momotarded by ica 'oh jesus has it really been like five years since i did one of these' rus (note: i'm fairly sure that any and every of the 324293423984234 kami in the kojiki are going to put out a curse on me for this one SO DEAR GOD I HOPE THIS ISN'T YOUR FIRST TIME READING A MOMOTARO LEGEND.) Our scene begins where a cheerful musicbox note is being played as a small storybook lies in the foreground. A picture of a peach is on the cover. The music box note plays over and over as the author reaches out and sloooowly opens the book to the first page where we see... Jet: Ladies and gentlemen, STOMP! Grey: ... Jet is repeatedly hitting Grey in the forehead with a piece of sheet metal GOD DAMNIT JET HE IS NOT A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT. Jet drops the sheet metal where it quickly blows away like graphite dust but Grey doesn't really seem to notice. Grey: put me out of my misery. please. Oh, don't worry Grey. I think you'll actually like this story. I know I will! Grey looks like someone's just fed him live scorpions. Grey: get on with it... I would, but I can't see the title. Now where did we put that thing...The author begins searching around the seemingly blank book page, devoid of anything but Jet and Grey. Grey is lifted by an unseen force, but he's not sitting on it. Nor is it under Jet. Oh, wait, I remember. Hey Jet! Jet: Mmmyeees? About FACE and DROP TROU! Jet: Stand and PRESENT! Jet turns his backside to the page and drops his pants. There, tattooed across his ass, right under the tail, is the title in beautiful florishing golden script. MOMOTARDED A fuedal Japanese folktale as retold by ice cream, exhaustion and endorphines and presented by the cast of Inhuman. Cast Grey- Momotaro Koji- an old woman Sartre- an old man Soshika- a demon or fifteen Kyo- also a demon Ashido- a little bird Jet- the president of the republic of earth Chovek- a little dog Headworms- a monkey and so forth.... The page turned, and the Grey grew angstier. Our story really begins in sight of a beautiful rural farm deep in the heartland of Japan where trains only run once every fucking hour in each direction and the only conbini in town is a sleven. So five minutes outside Tokyo then no seriously anyway. A fine old thatched roof house sits beside a river, and in this house lives... Koji: Moi babooshka! Sartre: What the fuck. Koji, the elderly grandma, is wearing a bandanna on his head and a skirt on his back set of legs as he bustles around the house dusting everything in sight, especially the inside of Sartre's ears. Sartre, a little old man, is wearing funny old man japan pants. Japants. JAPANTS ANTS Sartre takes off the pants to remove the ants. I am a giant penguin- Sartre: Author, shut up. Koji: Wow, devoid of coherancy two paragraphs after the cast listing! That's got to be a new record! I blame having first grade today. Anyway! Koji and Sartre are a loving elderly couple who have spent many years together since their blossoming youth. However, despite repeatedly trying day and night, they never managed to conceive a child. So their lives have been lonesome these long years. Sartre: Perhaps it has to do with the fact that we are both male. Koji: Or incompatable species? Sartre: And incompatable genetalia... Koji: And sizes! Sartre: And- SO THEIR LIVES HAVE BEEN LONESOME. Yet their burning passion for one another has kept them together. You gotta tell her every day that you love her. ANd never pull out before the trumpets have finished if you catch my drift. Koji: Sartre moi dearest dear love, Oi believe it is time for us to tend our home. Oi'll gather firewood if you go hunting! Sartre: Sartre is supposed to be like a hundred years old...How exactly is Sartre supposed to hunt? Koji: Here, use this pair of garden sheers! :D Sartre: ...right then. Sartre takes the sheers up in his jaws and the two set off. They however take seperate paths, because in general you don't find food the same place you find firewood. For many days, Sartre travelled the hills and mountains near their home searching for a suitable meal to bring home to his beloved ...wife. Finally, at the end of one long day, he happened across a mighty peach tree. And there, equally mighty, upon its tallest branch, was a giant peach. Sartre: You expect Sartre to CLIMB that?! Well, yeah. I mean you're not THAT old. Sartre: How is Sartre supposed to climb a tree with garden sheers in Sartre's mouth and then maintain Sartre's balance while using those sheers to cut down a peach the size of a fucking john deer? Nothin runs like a deer. Awrawrawrawr Sartre: Focus! So what you're telling me is you'd like a little divine intervention for peach-getting ascension, am i right? Sartre: Sartre wouldn't go so far as to say it'd be appriciated, but it would deffinitly be preferable. A lightning bolt splits the suddenly cloudy sky and lances down, scissoring the peach stem cleanly! The giant peach drops straight down, landing on Sartre. Splat. It rolls to the side and the peach-soaked sticky Myche is left looking very angry. He somehow manages to make without snide commentary, however, and roll that bad daddy of a fruit home without any unnessicary musical trans-Atlantic Burtonesque sidetrips. Koji: Woi, moi peach has brought me a peach! Sartre: A peach we can't properly fit inside the house. Koji: Fetch moi cleaver! It's pies tonight! Right there on the lawn, Koji WHIPS OUT A KNIFE and HACKS INTO THE PEACH. We're following the version of the story where they try to eat the peach. As the peach is cut, Koji notices blood on the hilt of the knife and pulls it out. Koji: That's odd...Oi don't recall peaches bleeding. Sartre: They don't. Koji: Must be a blood peach. Koji continues cheerfully sawing the peach. Uh, Koji, maybe you should stop for a minute... Koji: This sloice of peach has a finger in it! It's all fun and games til someone loses a finger. Sartre: JESUS CHRIST WILL YOU LOOK WHERE YOU'RE CUTTING ALREADY?! Koji: Well Oi'll be! There's a hand in the peach! And an eye in the apples. The hand within the peach is, now, quite noticably, devoid of a pinky and gushing blood all over. In case you're wondering this isn't part of the legend. Koji, being the good samaritan he is, can think of only one thing to do at the sight of a clearly human hand trapped in a giant peach. Baby hand. I forgot to mention that. It's an infant hand. Koji: We better sue Mc Donald's. Oi mean, this has totally got to be against health regulations. Sartre: Peaches don't come from Mc Donalds. Koji: Where do they come from? :o Kyo: Peaches come from a can, they were put there by a man. Koji: In a factory downtown? :D Kyo: :D Sartre: >( While Sartre and Koji had been discussing things, they'd failed to notice a band of large hulking demons ...well not really demons, OGRES is more a bang on translation so OGRES have showed up on the countryside and are looting, ravaging, pillaging etc... KyoOgre took a little sidetrip to visit the elderly couple. Kyo: Hey old dudes, hand over all your most valuable boozahols! Koji: Not moi-...wait, wot? Kyo: The hooch, man-granny. Shell it out or else... Sartre: Or else what. Kyo: Or else my Frenchie Ogre counterpart'll bring over cinemae from his own country. Koji: SPARE US! D: Koji and Sartre rush into their house at the threat of weak and shallow colour metaphors on film and return with a chest full of some of the finest import liquors found in Tochigi. Which is like...nothing decent. Life of a KyoOgre is hard. Kyo: I gotta get me a plane ticket back to the states, man. Or at least Australia. Contented in his loot, Kyo shoulders his massive spiked club and heads off to rejoin EmOgre and SoshiOgre as they smash stuff and steal whatever appeals to them. Ogres are basicly just giant pirates with a horn and a pencant for striped loincloths. Or a striped bikini, in Soshi's case. Koji: :< That was moi grandfather's wine, from before the war...Passed down from Nikitak to Nikitak. Sartre: And Sartre's namesake's favourite brand of absinthe! Not that Sartre actually drinks, but it's the principle of the thing... Hey, ain't you guys forgetting something? Koji: ...Oi totally laundered moi skirt, don't you accuse me of poor hygine! Sartre: The author means the peach. Koji: Wot peach? Sartre: The giant one. Right there. Koji knows. THE ONE WITH THE HAND IN IT?! Koji: Oh. Roit! Oi don't think it'll be suitable for pies with that hand. JUST DIG HIM OUT OF THE FUCKING PEACH. Koji: So pushy. Koji and Sartre begin the arduous task of pulling the rest of the body out of the peach, now that they have one finger. They probably should have put that in a cup of ice til they got to the hospital or something. Oops. Well, knowing Japanese doctors they'd just sew it to your forehead anyway. By the time the sun was setting behind the hills, Koji and Sartre were cradling a tiny baby covered in peach juice. And mysteriously wearing underpants, because that's always how Momotaru is portrayed. THANK YOU, JAPAN. Koji: He's beautiful! Sartre: The baby is a total freak. No fur, except on the head, nor is the baby breathing. Koji: Oi know how to fix that. Koji immediately lifts the baby up by his legs and smacks him across the face. Since the black and silver haired baby is none other than our favourite angsty stoic, though, the slap elicits no response. Koji ponders this a moment before turning him upside down and shaking him. Sartre: LSKDFJSD JESUS CHRIST WHAT ARE YOU DOING Koji: :D fixing it Sartre: SHAKEN INFANT SYNDROME IS NOT FIXING Grey: _-_ Maybe in an infantile effort to shut everyone up, Grey complied and began to breath. He is still, however, gushing blood from where Koji cut his pinky off. So they take him inside and put him in a baby cradle because I don't even want to try to draw logical steps in a storyline when i'm this tired. Koji: We should name him something cryptically appropriate! Loik, since he was birthed from our giant peach...Peach Boy! Grey: Or Grey. Koji: Yeah, that works too. Sartre: Grey got rather big rather quickly. Yes, for some reason, Momotaru grows to be a teenaged boy in like three days or something like that in the story. So Grey grew up in the equal span. Koji: Three days? No, a quarter of a paragraph. Koji: Horray! Help me tend the house, Grey! Grey: This is child slavery. Sartre: Sartre can add child abuse to that if Grey wants. Grey: ... AND SO BEGAN THEIR HAPPY LIFE TOGETHER! Grey worked very hard to please the loving elderly couple, being a perfect adopted son. Though they never gave him his finger back, they kept it in a jar of brine and promised to give it back to him someday. Every morning they would tell him it would turn him into a real boy and then he would be able to leave home unsupervised but until then he had to do everything they said. Or else gyspies would come get him. This didn't happen in Momotaru, I'm making shit up. Grey: i couldn't tell. Ashido: PACKAGE DELIVERY! Ash swings a suspiciously phallic shaped object right into Grey's face, where it sends him flying in a spray of blood and probably some teeth in there too. Koji: Oh boy! Mail! Ashido: This package is on behalf of the President of the Republic of Earth. Sartre: What. Koji: Oooo special! Ashido: Might wanna open it up before ya say that. Koji immediately rips off the paper where he finds a little note tied to a metal pipe. The note simply reads: "Dear citizen, if you do not send ten bottles of alcohomahols to my wedding ceremony, we will burn down your house. Cordially yours, Le Prez (not lez prez)" Koji: But we can't send ten bottles of booze! The Ogres took it all! Ashido: Ain't my problem, pal! Sartre: Ashido is straightedged. Ashido: Guess it is my problem too. Crud. I'll get back to ya on that. Ashido wanders off into the forest to consider exactly how fucked this proclimation leaves him. Exactly why Jet wants booze is a little beyond me, since he can't drink it without risking his liver FAILING ON HIM IN A FANTASTIC SPARKLEY BLAZE OF FUCKALL DEATH WARRENTS. Grey: sweet. Grey has discovered the pipe and is swinging it around testing the weight. You know, he really should be blind, but that's just too much fucking work for a chatfic. i'll just pretend i completely forgot. Koji: Weep wail sob sniffle. Sartre: The house is made of fucking straw anyway. Koji: WAIIIIIIL D: Sartre: It costs like ten bucks to replace Why is Koji even worked up. Grey: ... Koji: OH GREY. THE ONLY HOME YOU'VE EVER KNOWN! Besides a peach. Koji: IT'S GOING TO BE BURNED BECAUSE WE HAVE NO HOOCH TO GIVE D: I am totally raping this legend. Grey: ...So? Koji: Oi know wot you're thinking! We would have all the booze the president requires and more...IF ONLY...! Sartre: If only a bunch of faggy Ogres hadn't stolen it. Grey: What. Koji: They've ravaged this countryside nigh on twenty years! Grey: ... Koji: OH, THANK YOU GREY!!! Grey: Wait what Sartre: Wait what Koji has thrown himself against Grey's chest and is sobbing tears of giant Nikitak joy. They're even soaking his dress. Wait, what? Koji: Oi knew you'd volunteer to get our hooch back for us! Grey: I never- Koji: Wait here! Oi've got just the thing for you! Sartre: ... Grey: ... Sartre: We're married, you know. Grey: ... Sartre: It was the sex that sold Satre on the proposal, really. Grey: OKAY LEAVING NOW Grey takes his pipe and is on his way when he somehow fails to avoid the GIANT FUZZY WHITE THING in his path which shoves a box at him. Grey: Buh. Koji: These are moi special magical fluffy whoit balls. Put one in your mouth and you'll have the strength of a hundred men! I'm not making that up, that is part of the story. Grey: NO. Never the less, because I have the power of dues ex machina, Grey takes the box of white fluffy balls with him on his journey. He's only a few miles into the deep typo-ridden forest when he hears the deep, hollow snarling of... Ashido: I PLAY PRETTY GUUTEN HMM?? Ashido playing a harpsichorde, I guess. Grey: ... Ashido: Hey theres. Grey: What's with the feathers. Ash is wearing a gigantic stereotypical Indian headdress with feathers all the way down to his butt. I mean we're talking spagetti western apachi chief shit going on here. Ashido: Well, I was the President of the Republic of Earth's messanger boy, but then I decided it'd probably be a lot easier to just be a little birdie. Y'know, a little birdie told me and all that. Grey: ... Ashido: Unfortunately, I couldn't find the bird suit. Grey: ... Ashido: I think it's at the cleaners. This is pretty close! Grey: ...Sure. This song called TITS & WHISKEY just came on my playlist and i find it marvelously appropriate. At this exact moment, Ash throws his harpsichorde far off screen where it lands with a horrifying crash that prettymuch means it's broken to pieces. Thus freed of his musical instrument, he notices the box in Grey's hands emblazoned with a gigantic smiling Nikitak giving a thumbs up. Ashido: Hey, what's in the box? Grey: Llama nads. Ashido: Sweet, can I have one? Grey: ...fine. Grey opens the box, where he finds not llama nads, but rice balls. Told you I wasn't making it up. Maybe Grey is relieved by this fact, but since he's about as emotive as a dead cat with asbergers, we may never know. He hands one off to Ash. With the hand that isn't missing a pinky. There's a lot of emergency sirens going off in my neighborhood. Ash: Deliciousssssss Ash scarfs down the riceball. Ashido: This sensation...I feel...I feel stronger, more intelligent...I feel like TAKING OVER THE WORLD! Grey: Have fun. Ashido: Or aimlessly following you around. Grey: God damnit. ASHIDO HAS JOINED THE PARTY! Give name to ASHIDO? ASHIDO ASHID ASHI ASH AS ASS ASSI ASSIE Grey: STOP THAT Ashido: You're goin after those Ogres, am I right? Grey: Mmm. Ashido: Well heck, I'm down with that! Grey: ... And thus, Grey and the little bird continued down the forest path in search of the way to the ocean where they'd eventually go to the Ogre island but I'm getting ahead of myself NIPPON KYU KYUUUUU DEMO ASHITA WA WONDERFULL oh jesus this song is more retarded now that i actually understand it. In the meantime, Chovek jumps out of the bushes in front of them dressed in absolutely nothing but a thong with a pawprint on the crotch. ????!????! Chovek: Wan wan, gentlemen! Ashido: Howdy! Grey: ... Ashido: We got fluffy white balls! Chovek: I certainly want them in my mouth! Grey is too busy repeatedly smacking his palm into his face to give a proper response. Ash gives Chovek a riceball. Chovek: Thanks. So where are you two cuties headed to? Ashido: Eh, off to kill Ogres or buy gay pornography or something. I dunno, didn't ask the specifics. Chovek: Welp, when in Rome! CHOVEK HAS JOINED THE PARTY! Give name to CHOVEK? Chovek: How about HOT STUFF? Grey: How about FAG CIRCUS? Chovek: Love you too, skinny. Grey, I said pick a name for Chovek, not for your entire parade. AND SO THEY CONTINUED ON THEIR WAY A BIT FURTHER UNTIL grey's medication wore off. Grey: God fucking damnit not now. Headworms: 8D sup Grey: dklfsajfdlfsldfa Headworms: 8) lol The headworms are a monkey, okay? And they ate a riceball. Cause that's what happens. I don't mean they look like a monkey or they're a tangable being that's just...LOOK THE THIRD PERSON MOMOTARU MEETS IS A MONKEY AND IT ALSO EATS A RICEBALL JESUS CHRIST WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME They continued on their way. For many long days they travelled together, though Grey had to be dragged for some of it by his foot because of the headworms and all that. At long last, they arrived at the beach. Chovek: I've heard that across the way on that island is the ogre headquarters. Ashido: TO THE ISLAND, THEN! Ash immediately walks straight into the ocean without stopping until he is entirely underwater. Chovek and Grey watch this for a little while until they're fairly sure Ash is probably drowning. They then throw an inflatable shark. Ashido: :x Thanks. Chovek: All aboard the love-shark express! Chovek is lounging along the length of the shark in his thong you know what stop that. Chovek: But- Grey: Move. Grey pushes Chovek into the water. Somehow this causes the shark to move forward. Momentum I guess. I have no idea. Inertia. and no friction. It's low-friction water. It costs a lot but it saves on time spent in the water in chatfics. Not safe to drink, though. It makes you piss so hard you spray it around like a hose. ANother reason drinking seawater is unsafe. Ashido: So, we got a plan for when we get to the Ogre island? Chovek: I thought perhaps we could talk rationally to them, maybe make a fair trade... Grey: With WHAT. Chovek: Stripteases? Our inflatable shark? Irresistable fluffy white balls? Grey: ... Headworms: 83 Finally, the shark comes to rest on a small island with a large stone mountain on it. In the mountain is a cave, and before that cave stands guard one of the many fierce and vicious ogres... Em: I'm a vegitarian! How am I even suited for this job?! Em makes a very hairy Ogre, but that's okay, because he's allowed to wear a striped shirt and pants to help cover it up. Ogres have such a load fashion sense. In any case, he's on guard duty, because from time to time ogres have other ogres to concern themselves with politically. In case of a nefarious sneak attack, Em is on guard. ATTENTIVE AS ALWAYS! With an eagle eye, he spots the rubber shark. Em: The flying hell? Watching closely, he beholds as all three psychopathic fruitcakes land on his island's shores and disembark. Well, Ash and Chovek do. Grey just kind of lies face down in the ocean trying to drown himself. God damnit Grey. Em: Hey you kids! Get off my beach! This is private property! Ash: Make us, fuzzface! Em: I like my sideburns :( Chovek: Oh for Pete's sake, stop this. Grey: Blurble. Chovek drags Grey out of the surf and threatens him with mouth to mouth from Ash if he doesn't stop trying to passively commit suicide at random intervals. The headworms all bob in agreement. I am REALLY TIRED and wish i was in bed but WE GOT UP THE MOMENTUM NOW, WE CAN'T LET THIS PUPPY STAGNATE. Now maryyyyyyyyyyyyyy Em: Look, if you don't haul butt off our island, I'm gonna be forced to...uh... Ashido: You're a pacafist, aren't you? Em: Well, yeah... Ashido: Smelly hippie :3 Ash likes Em. Chovek: I have a proposal. Instead of fighting, how about we simply...size one another up, so to speak? Em: Uh... Grey: what Ashido: I DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THIS Chovek: It is, however, the quickest non violent alternative. Aside from Janken, but I swear to god if you throw more than two people into a janken game i have no fucking idea how the winner is selected. must be japanese kid intuition. BUT THEY ARE NOT GOING TO PLAY JANKEN. Em agrees to Chovek's suggestion, because despite being a rather bashful guy, he is rather confident in the size of his p e n i s. The two halfbloods begin to disrobe with their backs to one another. Chovek: Now, ready? On the count of three, turn and draw. Em: Uh...okay... Chovek: One...two...THREE! Grey stop that. Grey has found a barnicle encrusted rock and is trying to rub his eyeballs out on it. All he's succeeded in is covering his face in mashed barnicles, shredded flesh and copious amounts of blood. Em: IMPOSSIBLE! Chovek: I'm sorry, my dear boy, but you've been outclassed. Those fluffy white balls really WERE magical after ALL! Ashido: For serious?! Ash immediately looks down his pants. Ashido: ...Darn, I got bupkiss. Em, quickly replacing his pants, is skurrying off across the sands to inform the other Ogres of this immensely cocky party on their way to disrupt the little treasure trove of boozamahols. Bein the biggest crime of the last fifteen years okay that is it i am sleeping Chovek: Well, that settles that. Shall we continue onwards? Ashido: And ever upwards! Grey: God why Chovek: Why, out of love for our fellow countrymen. I mean, how exactly are you supposed to wine, dine and 69 someone without any wine? Ashido: :D Grey: ....jesus christ. Meanwhile, as our intreptid band of heros make their way towards the cave, there is a rather serious discourse taking place INSIDE the cave. Between Em. The Ogre. And the Ogre king. Soshika. Soshika: Why the fuck am I the ogre king? I don't even drink! Em: Well neither do I, really, and that didn't seem to stop the author... I pulled the alcohol thing out of my ass okay will you just shut up and make like i actually had a plan in mind!? Em is in the middle of explaining the dangers that the intruders pose. Em: I mean, I thought that the thong left nothing to the imagination, you know? But holy crap. Kyo: They must have some kind of wang-magic on their side. Soshika: Wang magic...my fatal undoing! We've got to stop them. Soshi is weak to wang magic. Cause she's such a sandy vagina. ZING! The author dodges a chair thrown by Soshika. Soshika: I will break your face. I love how characters develop into their own polar opposites over time. In any case, they have to stop the invaders before they reach the interior of the cave. Soshika, supremely confident in her ability to crush all enemies as long as they don't get off the first shot races out the front of the cave to find... Ashido: :D Soshika: What are you doing? Ashido: Poker. Deal in? Ashido has set up a card table and is wearing a card shark visor while shuffling cards. Grey and Chovek are nowhere to be seen, but somehow this doesn't cross Soshika's mind. For reasons I don't feel like making clear, she decides to join Ash in a harmless game of poker. What she does not realize is that high above, at the top of the mountain, Grey and Chovek are waiting behind a giant rock. Chovek: She's on the mark! Quick, push! Grey: ... Chovek: Or lie limply against the rock, sure. Grey: ... Chovek: You're going to slip off the edge, you know. Grey: yup. Grey, who was letting himself slip limply off the rock like his body was made of ribbons just topples off the edge of the cliff and falls like a stone. Chovek just kind of watches as Grey barrels towards the poker game far below them. Far, far below. Grey has the momentum of a crashing boeing by the time he's ready to hit. So, finally... Ashido: Dealer wins. Soshika: What the he-ACK! DEMON DELIVERY. Cards and poker chips fly in all directions as Grey crashes right into Soshika's head and smashes her facefirst into the ground. By the time all the dust clears, Ash is busy coughing up blue chips, Chovek has made it to the ground and Soshika is in a state of complete shock. Because Grey landed on her ear. Crotch-first. Grey: I want to die. Soshika: D: Headworms: Sup baby 83 Soshika: .... D: As the headworms begin to gently skullfuck the king of the Ogres, Chovek drags limp-Grey off Soshi's body. The other Ogres have come to the cave entrance to watch, at this point, and are reacting with various degrees of terror and amazement at the sheer overwhelming power of our three heros. Kyo: If that wasn't my sister... Em: If I wasn't gay... Kyo: It'd be kind of... Em: Hot. Yeah. SOMETHING TELLS ME THIS IS GOING TO GET REALLY GAY IF I LET IT KEEP GOING i mean worse than it is. Maybe it's that Chovek is busily posing for Kyo and slowly gyrating his hips STOP. Chovek: Awww. Kyo: Lame! Ashido: The last Ogre is in captivity! The galaxy is at peace! Er, rather...We win. Em: On behalf of my fellow Ogres... One who is getting a striptease and the other who is being skullfucked by a hallucination, that is. Em: I graciously accept defeat. We give in to your every demand. He is French, after all. Ashido: Haha, awesome. I demand you get me a coke. Right now. Em: Er...that's it? Ashido: Yup. Grey: No. Grey seems to have managed to shake off the death-wish funk he was in for the last fifty scenes and takes over this circus to lead it in directions that might actually have something to do with the momotaro legend! That's a lot more accomplished than i managed so far. I'd let Grey write, but I have a feeling those stories would be really short. Grey: We have two demands. Ashido: We do? Grey: Stop being gigantic retards. Em: Er... Kyo: :B Soshika: :B Em: I think that's a little beyond my means. Beyond mine too. Grey sighs and smacks his forehead because there's absolutely nothing for it. Meanwhile, raped on the beachisland floor, soshi's dressed in cobras. givin me ideas what i really need now is Grey: Stop. Look, we've seen this kind of thing before. Grey resolutely ignores my inability to get anything done around my music and continues with his demands. Grey: Second, give back the booze. Ashido: Wait, yer serious? Grey: Yes. Chovek: ...Why on earth are you actually following a plot point? Ashido: Yeah, I mean, I can't see it leadin anywhere good for you. Grey holds up his mangled hand. Grey: I want my fucking finger back. Ah, I see now. Grey believes that if he does as the elderly couple has asked, they may finally let him have his errant digit back. I really don't know that you'd want it at this point, I mean it's probably like flaking off skin and really shriveled and basicly impossible to reattach. But, hey, to each their own! Grey: So give it back. Kyo: LAME. Em: Well...we would. Except it's a bit more complicated than just that. Ashido: How so, halfie-ogre? Em: Quite frankly, we have no way to return it. You see, the only way the Ogres would get to the mainland was by a tiny little raft made of sticks. A few weeks ago they got bored and threw it off the cliff. I'm not sure why, really. It was just more entertaining than listening to Kyo sing songs glorifying Canada for the ten thousandth time, so that was what they did. As such, while the ogres now have ample firewood, they lack any practical form of transportation. Em: Honestly we probably would have starved if you hadn't stopped by. Chovek: So you have absolutely no boat? Em: Exactly. Chovek: Absolutely no problem! Without stopping to inform me of what exactly he's doing, Chovek turns around and just flat out CLOTHESLINES Grey with his forearm. Grey, without any will to resist, goes soaring backwards as though I had reversed the film in my camera and crashes into the jagged cliff face with a marvelously happy blood spatter. He crumples to the ground like so much laundry, and from his split open skull flies out- Pegasus: NEIIIIGH! The glorious pegasus poses a moment on a convieniently apparated rainbow. This marvelous legendary steed (which has nothing to do with japan) has fur like the whitest snow, and wings made entirely of intertwined headworms. Truly, an awe inspiring sight. Using its magical pony power, pegasus levitates all of the boozeahol off the island and soars far far into the distance with all the little bottles dancing along behind it on the rainbow. To the peasants of the world, the hooch is restored! THANK YOU PEGASUS! The author whipes a tear from their eye. Kyo: Whoa. Chovek: Thank you, thank you. Kyo: I didn't know Grey had horses in his head. Chovek: He's got skeletons, cats, machinery, worms and trains...why not horses? Kyo: Touche. So, through the power of good and fluffy llama balls, the ogres were defeated and the booze of the peoples was returned to them. And that is prettymuch where the legend ends, because Japanese people don't believe in strong endings, as is evidenced by their plethora of bad entertainment and the ending of every nintendo game. Ashido: Hey, wait a second! How do we get home?! I 'unno :D Chovek: And what happens to us now that we've eaten the magic riceballs and have the power of a hundred men? Ashido: Yeah, does it last forever or is it like an aspirin? I 'unno. :3 Kyo: And what about us? Em: Do we go right back to pillaging, or do we just keep honoring our deal with some kid and a few animals? Soshika: And will someone GET THESE WORMS OFF ME? I 'unno |3 That's the end of momotaro! TAKE A BOW EVERYONE! Everyone takes a moment and just stares at one another. Grey: That's really it. Yup. Chovek: Huh. Well. Shit, then. Kyo: Orgy? Em: Yeah, why not. AND THUS, THEY HAD A MASSIVE ORGY, PRIMARILY OVERVIEWED BY THE HEADWORMS cause they're perverted little fuckers. Grey, for his part, spent the entire rest of his life repeatedly trying to jump off a cliff into the sea only to find his attempts foiled every time by some sort of bizzare magnetic force. Ten thousand years later, a plane would crash on this very island, and they would make a series out of it that had exactly the same amount of logic and forethought as a chatfic but was eeriely engaging and addicting. THE END.